Ive been home for 3 days now..I couldnt be more relieved! Surgery was 18 hours long and I spent 4 hours in recovery. The 5 days in the hospital were in no way easy. My heart rate refused to drop below 130 bpm  for the first 2 days, so everyone seemed relieved when I was topping out at a hundred. I couldnt eat (just drink water) and when I did eat I couldnt keep anything down. It was a bad scene, I needed 2 pints of blood and  when my IV was redone for the 3rd time there was talk of putting a central line in the jugular of my neck and this is when I finally felt this strange sense of no. effin. way began to clear a path through my muddled bleary soul..

Rob showed up with my favorite drink - Sobe Energy and I truly think THAT was the singular moment where instead of slowly spiraling down, I began to crawl upwards.

By the time we were released to the Hope Lodge in Charleston I was miserably homesick. My saving grace was the complete faith that my daughter was in the most capable loving hands possible, which is a load off my shoulders I can never repay..

I spent most of those 3 days just exhausted. Why not. I had been cut open from my left side all the way to my right side. I had a mastectomy. I had these lovely perky DDs  molded from my stomach fat and inserted in my chest. My boobs were never this perky in highschool.

I now require 1 injection of heparin a day, short walks and a handful of pills several times a day. I cannot bend over, raise my elbows higher than my chin and holding the phone to my ear tends to tire me the quickest lol.

My poor husband is exhausted, this has been a horrible time for him and he is an excellent caregiver. Last night it caught up with him and for the first time in YEARS he went to bed at 5pm (for a  nap) and woke up this morning around 7. It was much needed sleep time and with his sister here, he could relax enough to do so.


My sister in law and I have been able to spend time together. She seems surprised that I do not cry hysterically.  To which I can only say maybe I will, but id have to schedule it when the kid isnt home.  She has been more than awesome, and I can only guess how homesick she is-im ready to handle things on my own, I want her to go back and enjoy her loved ones-because simply I have no other way to repay such a tremendous gift she has given us over the last two weeks.

we made it into Charleston around 7 last night. There was some paperwork to do, rules to know and a tour of the 4 home Hope House. All 4 of the houses are interconnected with walkways and there are 18 rooms for people who need a place to stay. There is a shuttle service to Roper or the Childrens Hospital. Thankfully there is wifi here, but my xbox so far has been unable to connect to xbox live due their security.

The hope lodge is this huge place and we are lucky to have room 13 which is set apart from all the other rooms upstairs. We have our own bathroom and shower as well as kitchen space.

My only issue as Ive gotten closer to tomorrows surgery is-I cannot sleep for an extended period of time. By that I mean I woke wide awake thinking it was time to get up ...it was 1045pm! I woke up again at 1215, 230 and 314...Its 430am now and Ive spent my morning prowling around the lodge..I piddled around on a puzzle for awhile, followed by pilfering their book collection. I settled on a Dean Koontz book, but then discovered Id much rather commit to something much shorter so I dumped the book for Consumers Digest. I got peckish so I got a huge strawberry muffin, decided 4am was the PERFECT time to try chocolate Ensure (they have a cooler full of it, high protein for us cancer kids) and I sat out on the enclosed deck reading about who had the best cell phone service. It turns out not only do I have the cancer, I also have the 2nd worst cell phone provider...It completely threw me off. Or maybe it was the Ensure. I finished my muffin, wondered how much longer I could prowl around without having to make conversation and realized apparently I am the only cancer kid currently staying here who has the I_cannot_sleep_when_I_am_nervous_ side effect.

O well, maybe I actually CAN sleep but I secretly enjoy having all this quiet time..ANYWAY, Today I have several doctor appointments, including an angiogram CT and a lymphscintigraphy (which I prollly didnt spell RIGHT, but hey...I think its in the cancer handbook that I can tee-totally get by with misspellling werds)

Tomorrow morning, this all changes. Ive got this whole reticent vibe going-have you heard Colin Hayes "waiting for my real life to begin" ? Give it a listen, just for me.

As surgery looms closer, I seem to be losing more and more sleep. Yesterday my stuffy allergies turned into bronchitis-wheezing and exhaustion took Rob and I to Urgent Care last night. I hope we had caught this in time be4 surgery-I honestly dont think I could stand the thought of postponing the date anymore. Id totally lose my mind. . .

Ive only got a couple of things on my 'list' left to do, and its becoming a matter of tying up loose ends, plus back to work tomorrow from  'vacation'-so the time should fly right by. yay. cough. sneeze. gag.

17 days to go. I cant lie sleeping more than a couple of hours has become extremely hard to accomplish. Ive got so much to do before we head south. I have this week off on vacation-we'll see if procrastination is my reigning hobby for the week. Ive got lists to make, closets to clean, things to purchase for post surgical care and arrangments to finalize.

I left these things till the last minute to keep me busy and generally this strategy works quite well at keeping anxiety at bay-but sometimes I worry. Just a little bit.

Kids are out of school for the next 2 weeks. Apparently, while Cancer and Retail season went into full swing-some jerk decided kids should be out of school for Christmas?

You'd be amazed how much I can forget or put out of my mind between a running list of doctor appointments, requests and a fulltime job...INCLUDING CHRISTMAS VACATION for my 8 year old. YES I bought presents, we put up the tree- but it NEVER entered my mind that she'd be out of school for a bit.
Wow. Im an idiot.

Todays List of TO DOs before I spend 9 hours at work:
1. email Dr. M in charleston-find out what I need to proceed with surgery
2. call dr Z in Raleigh, get copy of treatment findings and MRI sent to Dr. M
3. call dr. H in pollocksville, fax her copy of after surgical care f/u for dr M.
4. received email from dr. M. faxed path her path report, names and addys of all other involved doctors and asked about hope lodge accomodations.
5. Dr. M sent hope lodge form. Now to fill it out, return it to dr. M to forward to hope lodge.
6. awaiting return call from records dept. at rex unc to ask some woman named grace to fax mri record to dr m.
7. awaiting return call from dr H whom im pretty sure is on HER xmas vacation. yay. merry effin xmas to us all.
8.per dr M. find a Wound care clinicto see me after we return home from charleston. preferably one that deals with boobs. good luck on this one. Its jax nc.

ps . dr m should have me a surgical date today. Im totally excited.

After a decent nites' sleep and some conversations with a couple of smart women from breastcancer.org I got up this morning-dusted myself off and resisted the urge to watch tv and feel sorry for myself. I made a POO- ton of phonecalls. I found this one in Charleston. I left a message at 9am this morning.

A real person called me back before noon! Im elated! A nice woman named Jenny asked some questions and then she gave me a LOT of info. So here are the basics. Surgery timeframe-probably February. We'll be in Charleston a total of 10 days, mostly to ensure the success of the surgery- she says that its not about pain management- more about taking care of the reconstructed areas during a crucial time.

Ill be out of work for six weeks, and be carrying around 3 drains. She says this is what seems to be the worst part for most patients. I think she's wrong. I think boredom will drive me over the edge of insanity...hey wait. Im already insane. NO PROBLEMS !!

Ill go back about 2 months later for post op symmetry, body contouring revisions (if needed)

Then one more visit to make me some nipples, depending on what the final surgery determines is necessary from the original mastectomy...which means tattooing.

She's emailing me some things to fill out, I have to send her photos from particular angles and then most likely this Saturday- she'll give me a phone call for a long consultation finishing up with surgical appointment.

The doctors work between 3 hospitals, New Orleans, Chicago and Charleston..Ive heard they do fab work. This is it.

Dr Z, my wonderful onco at REX UNC made his recommendations. I chose bilateral mastectomy and hopefully immediate reconstruction.  He gave me a list surgeons as well that he said did great work. None of those surgeons do immediate reconstruction. I asked him how long I could put this surgery off due to there still being a small amount of the cancer left after the initial lumpectomy. He said that at the latest he would prefer the surgery to be done by mid January, or late January at the absolute latest.

I discovered that Duke U is the only surgical that does this type of immediate reconstruction so I called them back on Nov 16. THEY wanted me to call one number to set up my medical records and another number to get copies of all my cancer related records from my various tests and doctors. I set up the medical records number. I called the other number. The woman says she can email me the hippa release form. I said why dont you just fax it, and Ill fax it right back. She says ok.


NO FAX COMES. i  wait another 4 days to talk to this woman again and tell her i never got the fax. No answer because apparently they dont DO any of this faxing of hippas over the thanksgiving holiday. 

I finally get ahold of Jennifer, the same woman I spoke to about getting the fax, she says- You didnt get it? Hmmm Oh, I sent it. Let me send it again.

NO FRIGGIN FAX
I immediately call her back and tell her to email it to me and I will IMMEDIATELY fax it to her.  I fax it to her. I call her back and ask her if she got it. She says yes. She says that she'll submit it and theyll get ahold of my records and call me for appointment. I waited a week. Guess what.

NO &^$*&^$#F#@ PHONECALL! I call the Duke number that I have, because my stupid dog chewed up my notebook where i keep this under par Jennifers personal work line.  I get voicemail...some kind of greeting that promises they'll call me back before 5pm if I left a  message before 4pm. If Im leaving a message after 4pm, theyll get back to me by noon, next business day.

TWO MESSAGES AND 5 BUSINESS DAYS LATER no RETURN CALLS, NO MSGS.i
I call the main appointment line for the entire hospital and ask for the Breast Clinic- I figure THEYLL miraculously figure this all out. THREE TIMES I get transferred from the appointment line to an automated msg that gives you HALF of the number you shouldve dialed, and then it hangs up. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

I decide screw this, Ill call the plastic surgery clinic at Duke and see if THEY can help me. The very nice woman there at Dr. office asks me if I got assigned a medical no. I gave her the one that Duke gave me when I made my first phonecall. The poor woman tells me that number cant possibly be right, because all med record numbers have letters at the beginning. I know I wrote down the right number. Ive been very organized since the cancer process started. So I did the best thing I could figure out to do.

I burst into big dramatic tears. I was nearing hysteria when I heard her say-lets go ahead forgo all that set you up for a consult with dr zenn and get this moving for you. Her only stipulation was that I needed to make an appointment at Duke with a general surgeon (one regular surgeon does mastectomy, plastic surgeon then takes over and does reconstruction) for more info on the procedure go here . What an angel she was! They are seeing me on Dec 23rd.

I then call the number she gave me to schedule with a surgeon at Duke. Its almost 5pm. I explain the cancer yadda yadda and this guy finally gets me going in the right direction. I choose an appointment on the 21st of Dec. Unfortunately thanks to JENNIFER, time is getting short and I gotta make 2 4 hour trips in two days DURING  retail season, right before Christmas. Yay. Wait till my boss hears this. So this guy is going over the details, confirms my appointment AND THE godforsaken phone line goes dead. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I call back, simultaneously looking at the clock and its 3 minutes after 5. SO guess what...NO ONE IS ANSWERING THE PHONES AT THE APPT LINE.  So tomorrow morning I have to call back and HOPE he registered my appointment. EVEN though he only had my name.

Yeah. Im completely furious. Stoopid cancer.

i think im ripping off a movie when I say "this is my life, and its happening one minute at a time"
Here we are, trying to prepare for "the big surgery" ...it Christmas too- in case you didnt notice...did I mention the dryer poo'ed the bed - so off to write a check for a new washer and dryer - because why the heck not? After all, to repair the old inefficient one we might as well get a new one- and a washer that uses 30 less gallons of water than our old one - the old one is PROBABLY the reason our septic tank pouts everytime it rains..take it from me - you can only let pee marinate sooooo long before it stinks in the toliet. Ridiculous. Gross. Life.

Mira had a dental appointment, no biggie - she's covered under my new dental insurance and Roberts- 3 sealants, xrays and a cleaning later we get a bill and discover that she never quite made it to Rob's insurance. Weeee here's another check for a coupla hundred bucks. Did I mention Christmas is coming??

Eye doctor visit, because of course, the teacher says Mira is squinting at overhead projector at school. I knew where this was going...ya cant fool me. Christmas is coming. OF COURSE she needs glasses. She looks so cute in them though - and she's so excited because all of her bff's have glasses...

Mira needs a dress for her Winter Ball at school. I cant have her going in a Wally World special. This is my marathon running girls' first semi formal. I have cancer. Everything needs to be pretty and Im desperate to make it picture perfect, for her. Even if she doesnt know about me. It is, after all Christmas- its a magikal time of year you know. 

I can stress about money, feel guilty about everyone else throwing out money for things I consider luxuries and somehow be thankful that it is me who has this dreadful thing- because somewhere in this beautiful mess, Im quite positive Im still one of the luckiest people I know.

well, i got 2 teeth pulled (one was a wisdom tooth, so i suppose my entries here will be a little less intelligent from now on) 3 cavities filled and Im feeling pretty decent. They gave me some tylenol 3 ( other pain meds make me itchy)  I let the kid stay home from school today, she has eye dr appt today at 2, and I didnt think Id feel like driving across town to pick her up from school.

I blackmailed her and said if she wants to stay home with me all day she had to help me out and clean house and dont even THINK about asking for a repeat day off anytime soon!!

I found out my info for short term disability, so I can get the ball rolling on not being completely broke while Im laid up after the big surgery...Ive also got to follow up with Duke and see WHEN theyre gonna pull my first appt off..I keep worrying that all this time that teeny tiny piece of cancer thats still in me is growing at exponential rates, fueled by all the chocolate i eat...

in an effort to be vigilant in support of the upcoming bilateral mastectomy-I took some advice from the ladies at www.breastcancer.org board and am having my dental 'issues' addressed..I established with a dentist and found to NO surprise at all - i need a shit ton of stuff done ..2 infected cavities as well as 3 or 4 others that need to be filled, 3 extractions and a deep cleaning.

Kiddies. Brushing your teeth in a hurry for five years is a really bad idea. You might end up with boob cancer and hafta cram it all into a couple of really painful appointments..Yuk. So tomorrow, the dentist is doing my left side (how fitting that its the same side as my cancer) 2 or 3 cavities and 2 extractions down, i can even remember exactly what else she said has to be done. But I got the gist. Im scheduled from 11am till 3pm tomorrow - today actually- i just havent gone to bed yet.

By the time i get done getting my teeth fixed, my tummy tucked to make new boobs- hell my hubby will be getting an upgrade! how often does THAT happen in marriage?? By softball season Ill be a brand new woman LoL

Laugh it up. Tomorrow you can point fingers and whisper at me, the drooling idiot of a cautionary tale that ill be...