Second night in a row - I wake up about 130 - 200 am and my mind revolves obsessively about things I can do nothing about until I get up. The doc gave me a scrip for Ambien when 'this' all started - and Ive gotta say, it makes a difference. Things that I can deal with all day are great; that is until its 2am and to avoid thinking of the big C your mind wakes and thinks about things that you have no power over (but are much less stressful than the Cword) u)
Obviously I need to go pick up my refill. !mental note!

I haven't been 'around here' much lately-I commented to the huz that Im just tired of talking about cancer. So, here's the latest. My followup at the Rex Cancer Center came to these recommendations : Re-excision to clean up the dirty margins left by the first surgeon (which would also mean reconstruction) Six and a half weeks of radiation, Monday thru Friday not including 2 hours travel time each day. AND tamoxifen for 5 years.

What I at the young breast cancer age of 38 have chosen, is to have a bilateral mastectomy (and hopefully) immediate reconstruction. There's a procedure called the DIEP flap. Mine. Why not end up with basicly a mommy makeover in the process?

I am adamant about not wanting to take tamoxifen knowing my past history and more than likely tamoxifen would probably cause other symptoms for me personally that they dont list on the package. . Like emotional withdrawal, alienation from the ones you love, not to mention motion sickness from the mood swings. Geez.

Other than tamoxifen, I'm considering the fact that BC in 'younger' women tends to recur more often and when it carries a lower survival rate. Rads and tamox don't guarantee me anything except my odds of getting BC after 5 years become the same as a 'normal' woman. I smirk at the word normal.

Oh, not to mention-I aint too excited at the thought 10 hours travel time a week, plus a full time job AND still be of some use at home to my family.

So, have the surgery-approx 3 weeks recovery - and Im done. THIS is logical to me. SO what happens now? Well, Duke U is the only hospital who offers Mx with immediate reconstruction so I have to navigate their system now.

I have filled out their preliminary forms so that they can obtain my medical records and resources to help me make a final decision. Ill have to make at least a couple of trips up there. Its a big surgery, considered microsurgery and takes 8 hours to complete. It is highly suggested that any serious dental work be taken care of beforehand- this helps avoid post surgical infection etc, so Ive also started seeing a dentist. YuK. I need a lot of things done, and the oncologist told me not to put off the boob surgery any later than mid January.

So, at 2am - instead of thinking of words like MASTECTOMY! DENTIST! APPOINTMENTS!  My mind chooses PEANUT BUTTER! FOLD THE CLOTHES!  STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES AT WORK! and my personal trivial favorite : WHO SAID WHAT AND DID I UPSET THEM? Its kind of silly really- but funny what your mind will do to try and 'help'.

So here I sit, hammering it out on my neglected website - hoping this will somehow lead me to sleeping for the next 2 1/2 hours before Ive got to get up.

ahhh woke up at 515am, excited to go work a 12 hour shift for black friday...i know i need to do an update on whats going on- ive probably got five or six drafts that arent published. Mostly because I read them, and they lack humor. Give me a couple of days.

Mira missed her photo day at school because of this cancer crap. All those appointments that I have in Raleigh 2 hours away on the 11th-13th-guess when her retake day is for school pics? That Friday, when I have an apptmnt at 9 am and another at 130pm. We were gonna stay in a hotel for those 3 days and let her miss school?

Stupid cancer.

After being being verbally threatened with being shot by overly privileged 17 year old girl at work today, I came home to find out about the shootings at Ft Hood. Strange, I commented to my husband, that they dont reference the shooting 'spree' in Killeen in 1991.

Its a pretty vivid memory, because 5 minutes before George Hennard drove his truck through the front window of Lubys Cafeteria, my mom and I were arguing about eating at that very place. We pulled up and I felt sick to my stomach. My mother insisted that I was just being problematic-contrary-but I felt the overwhelming sense of " I cant eat here."

My mother gave in to what she thought was me being a moody 19 year old and we went to Mr. Gattis Pizza instead. When we drove back down the highway later-we found we'd missed him by a few mere minutes.

I was shocked. For two days I sat in front of the tv watching news reports. It'd only been five years since Id been shot in the chest. I couldn't have possibly known what was going to happen-but I came so close. Eyewitnesses claimed that Mr. Hennard seemed to single out the women-that he killed them preferentially speaking more than men.

Ever since that day, when I get the 'sick feeling' that I had that day that mightve saved  my life- I believe in it. I make no excuses, I dont care how crazy it may seem-I follow my intuition. On more than a few occasions since Luby's, my 'spidey sense' has made a difference, albeit perhaps not as dramatic as barely missing a mass killing.

My heart goes out to those people in Ft. Hood today-one day-the survivors will look upon today as some strange history, something that changed the very essence of their spirit and hopefully-for the better. Or the shooter wins.

Somehow I cant help but think of "Impression that I get" by the MightY Mighty Bosstones- a song that talks about what its like to be that person who's never seen a bad day or lived through something tragic.

Gallaghers office told me to give them something more than a general address of the hospital so they can send my path slides..I call UNC for this info; only to find out UNC received them on TUESDAY. Is there no end to the local ineptitude??

also- my BRCA test came back negative-which means no gene mutations..which is really good especially for my daughter~

You might remember that my initial surgeon said he would refer me to a Breast Specialist in Greenville-how long ago was that? I called his office once to check on the referral...no help-my huz called once still no answer..just a lot of what Ive come to expect within the local medical field in Jacksonville-evasive, vague crap. I gave up on getting that referral and someone told me the name of a doctor at UNC-made my OWN appointment (which is highly irregular) They asked who was referring me, I said "MYSELF" lol And from a previous post that appointment went well.

Yesterday I get a phone call., it seems that on the 22nd of October they called ECU and made me an appointment for Wednesday the 28th. Whats the problem with that? Other than it took them 2 weeks to make an appointment - they never bothered to return my calls and tell me i had an appointment-!

The only reason I knew I had an appointment and missed it because ECU followed u\p to see if I was coming in. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ECU people, very nice. However ECU now has my path slides...my actual dr at UNC requested these path slides on the 22nd when I was at UNC. Im wondering if its no small coincidence that Gallaghers office made my appointment at ECU finally after getting a notice from UNC. Hopefully this is just coincidence. Cause I'd be seriously pissed. More than I already am.

Now I have to beg Gallaghers office to release the slides to UNC via ECU and HOPE for it to be done in a timely manner BEFORE my appointment at UNC on the 13th....Im beginning to hate this town all together.

Total relief-I was starting to worry that I put too much hope into going to UNC for a second opinion...as it turns out I was totally on point for once...woohoo! I met my oncologist, Dr. Z-who listened to me-and then we had an intelligent TWO WAY conversation. Phew!
I was beginning to think that I had no options and basicly felt like I was being forced into a specific treatment...If you read my earlier posts, my first onco basicly gave me a scrip and sent me to rad onco ..Today these things were decided-
1.Full boob MRI (my ultrasound said it was unclear on whether or not my good boob was clear of cancerous stuff, because it's too dense)...and I thought I didnt have anything in common with stoopid people...bah!
2.Having my tumor thats currently housed at the lab in Onslow Countys sent to UNC's path lab for re-testing..(this is to determine correct diagnosis as well as to determine if it is "pure DCIS"
3.Im currently waiting for BRCA results-the BRCA gene mutation (if I have it) makes the possiblity of recurrence or getting invasive breast cancer  jump by a huge percentage-so in effect, if I have the BRCA mutation, NO-I will not be an Xmen woman....that is unless you consider perky foobs to be a super power...and with the huge droopy old boobs that I currently have, I myself would consider perky boobs a super power...maybe its just me.

So around Nov. 11-13th I go back to UNC on a thursday-ish, get MRI, spend the night in a hotel (preferably one with a pool) next day get up go back to talk to radiation oncologist, wait for Dr. Z to take all my stuff to his "tumor board" where an entire team discusses what the best options for me are-then I see Dr. Z and he tells me what I can do and what will be the best results...
Yes. More waiting. Im almost used to it..LoL

Saw a Radiation Oncologist in New Bern - I really liked him (maybe it was because he complimented me on my intelligent questions LoL..They dont do any of the accelerated type of rads treatments, but having had previous experience at a bigger hospital- he seems to think I might be a worthy candidate and he didnt seem to be bothered in the least in my need to seek out further options.
If I go with the New Bern thing, its 33 visits over 6 1/2 weeks, 2 hours on the road a day, Monday through Friday.
Im putting a lot into the Thursday appointment at the UNC-Rex Cancer Center, probably too much, which only leads to further disappointment if I have no other options..all

Sorry, but its gonna be one of those posts...After all the cancer jokes and the lighthearted approach to my 'lucky' diagnosis Im feeling the other side of things today... Im aggravated at trying to keep up with all the work schedule changes, annoyed by my inability to be as easily organized as I try to appear and tired. Exhausted by not having the ability to take a couple of days to just R E L A X.
Every day that I have off, its spent doing legwork for this stupid diagnosis. To top it off the oncologist says "its not really cancer" so then WHY do I have to take Tamoxifen for five years? Why do I have to worry about blood clots, menopause and  serious mood swings while on the stuff... to prevent my chances at recurrence of something that ISNT EFFIN CANCER?? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Radiation is at closest, one hour away from where I live. So I have to (apparently) go take a 2 hour day travel time to some other town five days a week. I DONT WANNA!
At this point, I'd prefer a mastectomy followed by (of course) reconstructive surgery because it seems that my chances of recurrence would be about the same as taking tamox-MINUS the mental midget side effects Id otherwise have from taking an estrogen blocking drug.
Im not asking why me.  Im asking why its a pain in the ass to get treated with ease around here. Why is there no support system for women like me locally in a county that houses over 170 thousand people?? Why is it Jacksonville that boasts to super size Walmarts cant afford to build a cancer center? Hell Id settle for a local GD phone number of someone who put me in contact with the right resouces...
Okay. Im done. for now. Thanks;.

I went to the appointment with the Oncologist today-Not much more to say other than Im supposed to take Tamoxifen for 5 years (note to self: check on side effects vs long term benefits) Radiation although he wouldnt give me a timeframe for how long Ill have to go-He did say that I would have to go five days a week for awhile. The big negative on this is that no one does radiation locally-so I have to drive a minimum of an hour away, five days a week.
While I completely intended not to change my regular daily life-this now seems to be an impossible aspiration.  Becoming overwhelmed seems to be looming over me - I think I have 4 appointments over the next 2 weeks, not including rads treatments.  I also had to sign a release upon receiving my tamoxifen perscription that said something about how some insurances only cover up to $350 - and if they dont cover it, the scrip costs around THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
I'm sure Tricare covers it, at least in part- I have to make a phone call tomorrow to the tricare pharmacy and see if they carry it on base...if so then I don't have to worry about cost at all...which would be nice.
I have committed to Google Calendar to help me keep track of work schedule, doctors appointments as well as reminders to do things that need to be done within a certain frame-not to mention extra curricular activities for the rest of us.
I guess what I'm wanting right now is a couple of days to take a breather-to do nothing other than lay around and relax-no appointments no work..that would be...refreshing..