Ive been home for 3 days now..I couldnt be more relieved! Surgery was 18 hours long and I spent 4 hours in recovery. The 5 days in the hospital were in no way easy. My heart rate refused to drop below 130 bpm  for the first 2 days, so everyone seemed relieved when I was topping out at a hundred. I couldnt eat (just drink water) and when I did eat I couldnt keep anything down. It was a bad scene, I needed 2 pints of blood and  when my IV was redone for the 3rd time there was talk of putting a central line in the jugular of my neck and this is when I finally felt this strange sense of no. effin. way began to clear a path through my muddled bleary soul..

Rob showed up with my favorite drink - Sobe Energy and I truly think THAT was the singular moment where instead of slowly spiraling down, I began to crawl upwards.

By the time we were released to the Hope Lodge in Charleston I was miserably homesick. My saving grace was the complete faith that my daughter was in the most capable loving hands possible, which is a load off my shoulders I can never repay..

I spent most of those 3 days just exhausted. Why not. I had been cut open from my left side all the way to my right side. I had a mastectomy. I had these lovely perky DDs  molded from my stomach fat and inserted in my chest. My boobs were never this perky in highschool.

I now require 1 injection of heparin a day, short walks and a handful of pills several times a day. I cannot bend over, raise my elbows higher than my chin and holding the phone to my ear tends to tire me the quickest lol.

My poor husband is exhausted, this has been a horrible time for him and he is an excellent caregiver. Last night it caught up with him and for the first time in YEARS he went to bed at 5pm (for a  nap) and woke up this morning around 7. It was much needed sleep time and with his sister here, he could relax enough to do so.


My sister in law and I have been able to spend time together. She seems surprised that I do not cry hysterically.  To which I can only say maybe I will, but id have to schedule it when the kid isnt home.  She has been more than awesome, and I can only guess how homesick she is-im ready to handle things on my own, I want her to go back and enjoy her loved ones-because simply I have no other way to repay such a tremendous gift she has given us over the last two weeks.

Dr Z, my wonderful onco at REX UNC made his recommendations. I chose bilateral mastectomy and hopefully immediate reconstruction.  He gave me a list surgeons as well that he said did great work. None of those surgeons do immediate reconstruction. I asked him how long I could put this surgery off due to there still being a small amount of the cancer left after the initial lumpectomy. He said that at the latest he would prefer the surgery to be done by mid January, or late January at the absolute latest.

I discovered that Duke U is the only surgical that does this type of immediate reconstruction so I called them back on Nov 16. THEY wanted me to call one number to set up my medical records and another number to get copies of all my cancer related records from my various tests and doctors. I set up the medical records number. I called the other number. The woman says she can email me the hippa release form. I said why dont you just fax it, and Ill fax it right back. She says ok.


NO FAX COMES. i  wait another 4 days to talk to this woman again and tell her i never got the fax. No answer because apparently they dont DO any of this faxing of hippas over the thanksgiving holiday. 

I finally get ahold of Jennifer, the same woman I spoke to about getting the fax, she says- You didnt get it? Hmmm Oh, I sent it. Let me send it again.

NO FRIGGIN FAX
I immediately call her back and tell her to email it to me and I will IMMEDIATELY fax it to her.  I fax it to her. I call her back and ask her if she got it. She says yes. She says that she'll submit it and theyll get ahold of my records and call me for appointment. I waited a week. Guess what.

NO &^$*&^$#F#@ PHONECALL! I call the Duke number that I have, because my stupid dog chewed up my notebook where i keep this under par Jennifers personal work line.  I get voicemail...some kind of greeting that promises they'll call me back before 5pm if I left a  message before 4pm. If Im leaving a message after 4pm, theyll get back to me by noon, next business day.

TWO MESSAGES AND 5 BUSINESS DAYS LATER no RETURN CALLS, NO MSGS.i
I call the main appointment line for the entire hospital and ask for the Breast Clinic- I figure THEYLL miraculously figure this all out. THREE TIMES I get transferred from the appointment line to an automated msg that gives you HALF of the number you shouldve dialed, and then it hangs up. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

I decide screw this, Ill call the plastic surgery clinic at Duke and see if THEY can help me. The very nice woman there at Dr. office asks me if I got assigned a medical no. I gave her the one that Duke gave me when I made my first phonecall. The poor woman tells me that number cant possibly be right, because all med record numbers have letters at the beginning. I know I wrote down the right number. Ive been very organized since the cancer process started. So I did the best thing I could figure out to do.

I burst into big dramatic tears. I was nearing hysteria when I heard her say-lets go ahead forgo all that set you up for a consult with dr zenn and get this moving for you. Her only stipulation was that I needed to make an appointment at Duke with a general surgeon (one regular surgeon does mastectomy, plastic surgeon then takes over and does reconstruction) for more info on the procedure go here . What an angel she was! They are seeing me on Dec 23rd.

I then call the number she gave me to schedule with a surgeon at Duke. Its almost 5pm. I explain the cancer yadda yadda and this guy finally gets me going in the right direction. I choose an appointment on the 21st of Dec. Unfortunately thanks to JENNIFER, time is getting short and I gotta make 2 4 hour trips in two days DURING  retail season, right before Christmas. Yay. Wait till my boss hears this. So this guy is going over the details, confirms my appointment AND THE godforsaken phone line goes dead. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I call back, simultaneously looking at the clock and its 3 minutes after 5. SO guess what...NO ONE IS ANSWERING THE PHONES AT THE APPT LINE.  So tomorrow morning I have to call back and HOPE he registered my appointment. EVEN though he only had my name.

Yeah. Im completely furious. Stoopid cancer.

Second night in a row - I wake up about 130 - 200 am and my mind revolves obsessively about things I can do nothing about until I get up. The doc gave me a scrip for Ambien when 'this' all started - and Ive gotta say, it makes a difference. Things that I can deal with all day are great; that is until its 2am and to avoid thinking of the big C your mind wakes and thinks about things that you have no power over (but are much less stressful than the Cword) u)
Obviously I need to go pick up my refill. !mental note!

I haven't been 'around here' much lately-I commented to the huz that Im just tired of talking about cancer. So, here's the latest. My followup at the Rex Cancer Center came to these recommendations : Re-excision to clean up the dirty margins left by the first surgeon (which would also mean reconstruction) Six and a half weeks of radiation, Monday thru Friday not including 2 hours travel time each day. AND tamoxifen for 5 years.

What I at the young breast cancer age of 38 have chosen, is to have a bilateral mastectomy (and hopefully) immediate reconstruction. There's a procedure called the DIEP flap. Mine. Why not end up with basicly a mommy makeover in the process?

I am adamant about not wanting to take tamoxifen knowing my past history and more than likely tamoxifen would probably cause other symptoms for me personally that they dont list on the package. . Like emotional withdrawal, alienation from the ones you love, not to mention motion sickness from the mood swings. Geez.

Other than tamoxifen, I'm considering the fact that BC in 'younger' women tends to recur more often and when it carries a lower survival rate. Rads and tamox don't guarantee me anything except my odds of getting BC after 5 years become the same as a 'normal' woman. I smirk at the word normal.

Oh, not to mention-I aint too excited at the thought 10 hours travel time a week, plus a full time job AND still be of some use at home to my family.

So, have the surgery-approx 3 weeks recovery - and Im done. THIS is logical to me. SO what happens now? Well, Duke U is the only hospital who offers Mx with immediate reconstruction so I have to navigate their system now.

I have filled out their preliminary forms so that they can obtain my medical records and resources to help me make a final decision. Ill have to make at least a couple of trips up there. Its a big surgery, considered microsurgery and takes 8 hours to complete. It is highly suggested that any serious dental work be taken care of beforehand- this helps avoid post surgical infection etc, so Ive also started seeing a dentist. YuK. I need a lot of things done, and the oncologist told me not to put off the boob surgery any later than mid January.

So, at 2am - instead of thinking of words like MASTECTOMY! DENTIST! APPOINTMENTS!  My mind chooses PEANUT BUTTER! FOLD THE CLOTHES!  STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES AT WORK! and my personal trivial favorite : WHO SAID WHAT AND DID I UPSET THEM? Its kind of silly really- but funny what your mind will do to try and 'help'.

So here I sit, hammering it out on my neglected website - hoping this will somehow lead me to sleeping for the next 2 1/2 hours before Ive got to get up.